Have you ever gotten to the place of what’s the use? Have you ever felt like all is just not going to go your way anyway, so why even pray?
Back story…I felt like I was called to the table, morning time with the Lord, about a year ago from 6:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m. Long story short after a few rebellions I committed heart and soul to it. I hated it, I couldn’t figure out why. I told God I hated it and He pointed me to Jesus in the garden before His death. That is another story, but I learned a valuable lesson and thus continued with a new determination to commit to coming to the table.
The year was long and I prayed a lot. I laid every burden down. I prayed for myself and for others like it was my job. I had many illuminations and enlightenments during that time. The year had started with a correction to me about prayer. It was: You don’t always get what you want. I am in charge. You can offer, Me heart felt prayers but ultimately it is My will to be done.
I didn’t like that message much, but I allowed it to sink in over that year. I saw that my prayers weren’t humble and that I was expecting to get what I asked. I also saw my prayers not get answered as I wanted, over and over again. It was not until now that I see it was also a warning to me. I was humbled by the word I got and thought that over time I allowed it to sink in and settle appropriately, that is until the string of events happened in my life and the conclusion I had drawn was that God was in charge.
It could be said, “That is good.” But you would be wrong because I didn’t just draw that conclusion I drew one much more bleak. I resolved that God was going to do what He wanted to do, obviously because my prayers and actions didn’t seem to be working out, so…I lost hope, but it was worse than that. I got to the dark, ugly place, of…”Why even ask then? He is just going to do what He wants anyway.”
Now, I do understand the ugliness of my heart here. I do, believe me. To be honest though I didn’t realize it was that bad. I told myself that I was waiting on God and this was what trusting looked like. I stopped meeting Him in the mornings. I spent less time with Him. I still read my Bible, but not concentrated or even in a way where I consulted Him first. I was just waiting and sitting back to see what He was going to do.
However, I began to tell I had an attitude about it. The last two weeks my son had been waking up with asthma attacks around 4:00-6:00 a.m. Sometimes he would just take a treatment and go back to bed, and I wasn’t tired, but I’d go back to bed. Then one morning it was different. My son coughed a few times but he was fine. It was 5:50 a.m. close enough to “table time”, So I went to the Lord in my special spot.
It was there that He exposed my heart for what it was. I said, “I don’t understand what is wrong with me, but I can’t seem to get over it.” And in my mind popped, you don’t get because you don’t ask. I instantly thought of the scripture, Matthew 7:7-12
7“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
9“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
The part that stood out to me the most was verse 9 and 10:
9“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
I had believed God was giving me stones and I was mad about it. I had allowed myself to listen to the lies from the evil one. Which were:
It doesn’t matter what you ask Him, He will always do what He wants. Why ask?
I had some repenting to do. I still don’t know how I got to that point, but God is gracious and merciful to show me and to forgive me when I repent. So if you ever think that God is giving you stones…He’s not. God knows what’s best for us. He really did warn me that I wasn’t going to get what I wanted long before I didn’t get what I wanted, but I hadn’t understood the message at the time.
Although I had been humbled to learn that coming to the table wasn’t about a business transaction, and that my prayers were only requests, answered when in His will not my own, I still had expectations that the wisdom and discernment He was giving me would lead to answered prayers, and when they didn’t, after a few months I gave up instead of continuing to press in and seek His ways. I took His bread, cast it aside, and said, “Stones. Stones. Stones.”