I turn Forty-one tomorrow. I can remember Turning Forty and feeling like some how I was going to learn something new about myself, but I couldn’t quite put my arms around it. This year has been a learning one for me.
I believe the biggest lesson amongst the little lessons was this…It is time to grow up! I am not talking about what you think. I will always be my goofy self. I can’t change that! I will always try and be young at heart like they say.
No, I am referring to my faith walk. Every turn this past year I felt like I was being fine tuned. It is a beautiful thing to be pruned by God. It may be uncomfortable, or even a little scary because you don’t know where it will lead you, but it is a wonderful thing.
I was humbled last year about my prayers, which in turn humbled me about everything. I approached God like a child. I’d run and jump in His arms and tell Him all I wanted. Like a child I disregarded thought as to how hard it might be to answer my request, how ridiculous my request might be, and I didn’t just say I want this…I would be so specific God couldn’t get confused. I would, like a child, demand what I wanted. And I had faith I would get it.
Once humbled I realized my ways and how I wasn’t asking any more, I was telling, and I also realized I wasn’t being thankful for the things I had. I had lost sight of Gods plans and was focusing only on my own.
I repented of my ways and asked God to show me where I ended and He began. The months that followed were eye opening. He was gentle and tender, but firm and piercing at the same time.
The following months I could hardly pray. My patience had worn thin with most people around me. I did things because I had too not because I wanted to. I just felt out of sorts. I had never remembered another time I had not wanted to praise, or spend time with God. I decided to take a break from serving for a while, to see if that would help.
I allowed myself not to pray unless I wanted to and I only served if I felt like it. There wasn’t much activity during this time. When I realized my break was going past the time I allotted I decided I needed to get back to it whether my feelings said so or not.
I happened to be reading two books by Hannah Whitall Smith at the time. The Christian’s secret of a Happy Life, and her other book called The God of all Comfort. In these two books I found the guidance I needed to get back to praying and serving.
The key to remember is that when God teaches us, tests us, refines us, there is always constant guidance along the way. Even when you feel alone in a desert You know He is there because the guidance just shows up.
That being said, I was guided to the answer of my question of where do I end and You begin, as well as I was led to the understanding that it was time for me to grow up.
Children run up to their Father and jump on their knee. They ask for things with out thought or much thought to please themselves. Grown women know the hard work that goes into a request, and respectfully approach their Fathers asking after thought for what they may need.
Jars of Clay has a song called Love Song for a Savior. In it, it says:
In open fields of wild flowers
She breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies
And the roses in no simple language
Someday she’ll understand
The meaning of it all
He’s more than the laughter
Or the stars in the heaven
As close as a heartbeat
Or song on her lips
Someday she’ll trust Him
And learn how to see Him
Someday He’ll call her
And she will come running
She fall in His arms
The tears will fall down
And she’ll pray
I want to fall in love with You.
This is where God brought me. He brought me to my knees to see that I am no longer the little girl who can run and jump on Him without thought. I am now the woman He created and raised me to be. I am to put on the robes He gave me and come in and bow at His feet, knowing now where I end and He begins.
Remember the time I said I couldn’t pray or have the want to be kind and serve…well this past weekend He revealed that to me. I am the dirt. He is the life. His spirit inside me is the willingness I have. Alone I am only flesh and it seeks to please only the flesh. It was like God held back His spirit for a moment so I could see:
He is the power.
He is the faith.
He is the action.
He is the healing.
He is the prayer.
He is the prompting.
He is the willingness.
He empowers us. I end at dirt He begins all the good in me. He makes me into who I am. All my gifts come from Him. When I follow the Spirits leading it glorifies God, when I follow my flesh I glorify myself.
I am a little sad to grow up, but like any child I understand that it doesn’t mean He loves me any less, but that now I have to opportunity to rely on Him in a new way. I can rest in Him like I never have been able to before. “I want to fall in love with You, Lord.”
Now I come in to learn the ways of a young lady. Of reverence, and respect, and willingness to be a kingdom worker. To serve not myself anymore but to serve the King our God.